Psalm 73 is one of my go-to passages. David is bemoaning his lot in life, reminding God that he has been doing the right thing, but he is still suffering. He points out to God that his enemies are prospering with health and wealth (vs. 3-5). Can't you just hear David," I'm the one following your rules.....why do they get all the good stuff instead? Don't you see, God, how wicked they are? Why are you letting them get away with this?" (vs. 13-14). The PIVOT is in vs. 17: "till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny." WOW! When David stepped inside his prayer closet, the revelation came. He UNDERSTOOD. He knew that in the end, those who are bent on wickedness will reap consequences. He knew that God would be his helper, the lifter of his head. David was focused on the suffering and the "seeming" injustice of his situation, but spending time with the Lord brought him back to truth. I need this. I need a pivot back to the truth at times. I know friends and family can give me a good "reality check," but there is nothing like having a two-person retreat (me and God) to pivot the heart and mind.
Words of Wisdom
Saturday, January 2, 2021
Pivot in Perspective
Psalm 73 is one of my go-to passages. David is bemoaning his lot in life, reminding God that he has been doing the right thing, but he is still suffering. He points out to God that his enemies are prospering with health and wealth (vs. 3-5). Can't you just hear David," I'm the one following your rules.....why do they get all the good stuff instead? Don't you see, God, how wicked they are? Why are you letting them get away with this?" (vs. 13-14). The PIVOT is in vs. 17: "till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny." WOW! When David stepped inside his prayer closet, the revelation came. He UNDERSTOOD. He knew that in the end, those who are bent on wickedness will reap consequences. He knew that God would be his helper, the lifter of his head. David was focused on the suffering and the "seeming" injustice of his situation, but spending time with the Lord brought him back to truth. I need this. I need a pivot back to the truth at times. I know friends and family can give me a good "reality check," but there is nothing like having a two-person retreat (me and God) to pivot the heart and mind.
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Father wounds/issues
So, on Sunday we talked of the Christmas story....even though I know this story well, I still find new revelations each year when it is shared. I am so glad that the Word is alive and active.
Cory mentioned Father wounds, so I wanted to expand on some other thoughts (revelations) I had.
For example, Herod. His response to the Father was not to embrace the gift. Cory mentioned the danger that people would be unwilling to allow God to take his rightful role as King on the throne of their hearts. Further, when we have father wounds, it sometimes prevents us from embracing all that God has for us. Do we view God as our loving Father, willing to give us not just "good" things, but the best according to His will? Some people struggle with this when it comes to embracing those in leadership or in authority. Rather than seeing the people in leadership or authority over them as a gift that the Father has sent to help direct us towards God's plan, they resist. Herod didn't embrace God's leadership or authority. He felt threatened, resentful, and angry.
When I was a teenager, I made some serious mistakes. They were costly, not just to me, but to my family. Although I repented for these acts of disobedience, my heart was still rebellious. I pledged to figure a way out of my mess and prove myself to others. This attitude affected all my relationships, but especially those who were in authority.
The result was tumultuous relationships with those in authority ( parents, husband, boss, pastor, etc.). For instance, if I disagreed with my husband's idea because I thought my plan was better, well, he knew it! If his plan didn't turn out, well, he knew it! If I was unhappy with a decision in the church, the pastor (as well as others)....knew it! I didn't trust that the Father would use them to make the right decisions. Neither did I trust that if the decision was off, that God, in his Sovereignty, could redirect them as Godly people seeking God's will.
One day, on a road trip, God brought me up short- He revealed the root of bitterness that was affecting my role as a wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, etc. Because of those in authority who were disappointed in my previous actions, rebellion was a manifestation of that. For three hours, I "ugly cried" and repented!
And through the Holy Spirit's healing, I came to find a joy in being able to trust the Father through the words and instruction of those in authority over me. I'll never forget the look on Cory's face when I returned home two days later. I not only asked him for forgiveness, but also told him I couldn't wait to submit to his authority. I also able to follow up with some former leadership in the church to express my repentance as well.
Looking back, I am so grateful that God gave Cory and those in authority grace and mercy to love me. I am thankful that God brought me to a place of surrender where I embraced the idea of giving the Father control, so that I could receive and submit to God's authority. My marriage and parenting changed radically, as did other areas of my life. Today, I continue to walk that road of trusting my Father to direct my path. I want to invite the wisdom and guidance of mentors. I desire to trust and submit to the Father's will.
I am sharing my story in hopes that you will take a moment to ask the Father if you are able to receive not only salvation through His son, but also the joy and freedom of living under His headship. It doesn't mean I always agree with Cory in everything...it just means I trust God first to lead and direct Cory. It means I go to the Father on behalf of those who are needing to make decisions that affect my life. I can follow my Father as the ultimate authority who has a good, pleasing, and perfect will for me. I could go on about the importance of honoring those in authority, the reward of seeking their counsel, etc., but I can't say it any better than this: "Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you." (Hebrews 13:17).
Do you struggle with accepting the Father's will in your life? How do you respond to those in authority over you? I am not able to articulate the full scope of the freedom and joy that came with asking God to forgive me that day in the car. I can tell you that there was healing in my heart toward my parents, my husband, and my pastor at the time. As a strong personality, I am regularly seeking the Holy Spirit's help to submit and trust Him in all areas of my life. Perhaps you will take a moment to be still and ask God for revelation on this for your own situation. If He pricks your heart, take a moment to let Him show you what to repent of. Embrace the opportunities to trust and submit to Him. Already I am praying for the Holy Spirit to use this blog to reach out to those who need to hear/read it. Please feel free to contact me if you want to share your story.
Cory mentioned Father wounds, so I wanted to expand on some other thoughts (revelations) I had.
For example, Herod. His response to the Father was not to embrace the gift. Cory mentioned the danger that people would be unwilling to allow God to take his rightful role as King on the throne of their hearts. Further, when we have father wounds, it sometimes prevents us from embracing all that God has for us. Do we view God as our loving Father, willing to give us not just "good" things, but the best according to His will? Some people struggle with this when it comes to embracing those in leadership or in authority. Rather than seeing the people in leadership or authority over them as a gift that the Father has sent to help direct us towards God's plan, they resist. Herod didn't embrace God's leadership or authority. He felt threatened, resentful, and angry.
When I was a teenager, I made some serious mistakes. They were costly, not just to me, but to my family. Although I repented for these acts of disobedience, my heart was still rebellious. I pledged to figure a way out of my mess and prove myself to others. This attitude affected all my relationships, but especially those who were in authority.
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| Do you trust the Father? |
One day, on a road trip, God brought me up short- He revealed the root of bitterness that was affecting my role as a wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, etc. Because of those in authority who were disappointed in my previous actions, rebellion was a manifestation of that. For three hours, I "ugly cried" and repented!
And through the Holy Spirit's healing, I came to find a joy in being able to trust the Father through the words and instruction of those in authority over me. I'll never forget the look on Cory's face when I returned home two days later. I not only asked him for forgiveness, but also told him I couldn't wait to submit to his authority. I also able to follow up with some former leadership in the church to express my repentance as well.
Looking back, I am so grateful that God gave Cory and those in authority grace and mercy to love me. I am thankful that God brought me to a place of surrender where I embraced the idea of giving the Father control, so that I could receive and submit to God's authority. My marriage and parenting changed radically, as did other areas of my life. Today, I continue to walk that road of trusting my Father to direct my path. I want to invite the wisdom and guidance of mentors. I desire to trust and submit to the Father's will.
I am sharing my story in hopes that you will take a moment to ask the Father if you are able to receive not only salvation through His son, but also the joy and freedom of living under His headship. It doesn't mean I always agree with Cory in everything...it just means I trust God first to lead and direct Cory. It means I go to the Father on behalf of those who are needing to make decisions that affect my life. I can follow my Father as the ultimate authority who has a good, pleasing, and perfect will for me. I could go on about the importance of honoring those in authority, the reward of seeking their counsel, etc., but I can't say it any better than this: "Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you." (Hebrews 13:17).Do you struggle with accepting the Father's will in your life? How do you respond to those in authority over you? I am not able to articulate the full scope of the freedom and joy that came with asking God to forgive me that day in the car. I can tell you that there was healing in my heart toward my parents, my husband, and my pastor at the time. As a strong personality, I am regularly seeking the Holy Spirit's help to submit and trust Him in all areas of my life. Perhaps you will take a moment to be still and ask God for revelation on this for your own situation. If He pricks your heart, take a moment to let Him show you what to repent of. Embrace the opportunities to trust and submit to Him. Already I am praying for the Holy Spirit to use this blog to reach out to those who need to hear/read it. Please feel free to contact me if you want to share your story.
Monday, May 1, 2017
1984
So, here we are reading 1984 by Mr. Orwell. The assignment: make a meme centered around the themes of the book. Would love to here your feedback!
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Raising Amelia
Raising Amelia
Tonya Davis looked out of her wide bedroom window at the ocean-side view that her luxurious penthouse gave her. She had woken up late this sunny Saturday morning, and her long golden hair spilled over her lightly tanned shoulders in messy waves down to her waist. She was wrapped in her favorite pink, satin robe and had put on her faux fur slippers to match. "I can't believe I've gotten myself pregnant. What a rookie mistake," Tonya thought as she scanned the pacific horizon with her light blue eyes. Despite the fact that Tonya had taken part in many promiscuous activities as a single 25 year old woman, she had never gotten herself pregnant.
Ten minutes later she was on the phone, a small notepad in her hand and a pen in the other. "What kind of insurance would I need to have to get the full abortion cost covered," Tonya asked hesitantly. The consultant from Planned Parenthood gave Tonya a few more details and told her to book an appointment with one of the abortion doctors as soon as possible, “sooner is always better than later,” the assistant said.
By 2:00 that afternoon Tonya was in the office, conversing passionately with Dr. Welch. "The whole thing was such a mistake! He said he loved me," exclaimed Tonya. "I can't afford to raise a baby, I only live in a one bedroom trailer park," she said with a tear gathering in her eye. All the while Dr. Welch listened intently with sympathetic nods to Tonya's false story. "I am begging you, Dr. Welch, help me," Tonya pleaded. Little did Dr. Welch know, Tonya was a rich young model, who needed an abortion to save her thin physique. Back at her flat, Tonya called her best friend, Jenni. "Sounds like you really laid it on thick! All those years in school plays must have paid off, Mrs. Actress," said Jenni over the phone. The women laughed uproariously at the thought of tricking a doctor so easily. "The Doctor even told me, 'Please let me know if there is anything at all I can do to help you,'" laughed Tonya with a snort.
The following Wednesday Tonya was due for her abortion. After waiting the room impatiently, and meeting again with the doctors, Tonya was set to have her abortion.
Before she aborted the baby, the doctors did an ultrasound to see the position of the baby within the womb. They told Tonya that she did not have to look at the Ultrasound if she did not want to. She replied that she, "Didn't care what they showed her, it was happening either way."
Ten minutes later Tonya was staring at a screen with a black and white, grainy image of her womb. There, in the corner of the picture, she saw the tiniest foot, distorted by the machine but still easy to see. As the doctors prepared their tools and put on their surgical gloves, Tonya stared dumbfounded at the screen. "Stop! Stop everything," Tonya shouted. She was suddenly rethinking the abortion. Instead, she was imaging her with a baby in her arms, swaying back and forth to rock the baby to sleep. She imagined a baby girl that she could dress up in the frilliest of dresses, or a little boy she could take to the park and to the zoo. She had seen that tiny foot, and she could longer ignore that in her womb, a real, live baby was growing. "I don't want to go through with this," Tonya stated. She cancelled the abortion, and sped back to her penthouse in her corvette. Tonya didn't know whether to cry because of the sudden responsibility put on her life, or to laugh because she was so excited to watch this baby grow.
Later that evening Tonya hear a knock at the door and swung it open to see Jenni, a champagne bottle in her hand and a huge grin on her face. "So...How'd it go," Jenni asked excitedly. Tonya cleared her throat and quietly said "I didn't do it." At first, Jenni didn't believe she was serious and laughed "Oh, right, Mrs. Actress! Sure you didn't." Tonya only stared at her friend, wishing that she could explain why she suddenly wanted a baby in her life. It was all because of a foot, thought Tonya. Jenni saw Tonya was serious and the smile disappeared from her face.
Late into the night Tonya and Jenni discussed what had happened at her doctor's appointment, and how ready she had been to have an abortion before she saw that little foot on the ultrasound screen. Jenni couldn’t believe her ears. Suddenly her best friend, Tonya, who had never had much a conscience growing up all through high school into their twenties, had virtually thrown away her wonderful new modeling career – on a baby. After Tonya explained why she couldn’t fathom aborting it, or even putting it up for adoption, she was surer than ever that she had made the right decision. “I need you to support me in this, Jen,” said Tonya, “you’ve been my best friend through everything.”
The next morning, Tonya called her mother to tell her the big news. After her long talk with Jenni about her and her child’s future, and seeing Jenni be overwhelmingly supportive, Tonya felt ready to take on anything. Her mother picked up the phone quickly, with a chipper “Hey, T,” just as she always did. “Mom, I’m just going to get straight to the point, I’ve got some big news,” Tonya started. As she explained the unplanned pregnancy, Tonya’s mother, Carrie Davis, listened quietly on the other end of the line. “Dear, you know I’ll support you in either decision you make, but are you sure that you’re prepared to raise a child as a single mother,” Carrie Davis asked quietly. Tonya knew that as a single mother herself, her mother’s main concern would be her ability to raise the child well. “I am, mom, I really am ready for this. Some responsibility will be good for me, and I know that if there is one example of how to do a standup job as a single parent, it’s you mom,” Tonya said with determination in her voice.
Within a few weeks Tonya’s stomach was already protruding in a small, round, “baby bump.” She would have to notify her modeling agency that she’d need to be switched to a maternity job soon. Jenni was so excited that she was already planning two different baby showers, one if it a girl and another if it was a boy. From the frustration Tonya had felt when she first found out she was pregnant, changing to the stressful confusion immediately following her decision to keep the baby, had transformed into nothing but joy and love of the baby in her womb. She found herself admiring mothers that she saw handling every situation with grace and perfect control. Tonya also found herself researching everything about pregnancy and motherhood. “I’m sorry ma’am, but your request to transfer to the maternity branch has been denied,” said the receptionist of Look Like Me Modeling Agency, Tonya’s employer. “There must be a mistake. I’m one of the star models at this agency. Please let me speak to the manager, Brad,” Tonya replied, confused. Once the phone call was transferred to Bradley Gerring, the manager over all the modeling branches at the agency, Tonya explained what the receptionist had told her. “I’m sorry Tonya, you’ve been such a great model, and that makes this harder, but you’ve been terminated. We have no room in the maternity branch and we can’t have you in swimwear anymore. I hate to leave you unemployed with a kid on the way, but that’s just the business. You should have thought of that before you decided to get pregnant and keep it,” Brad stated flatly, not at all like his usual perky personality. Tonya thanked him quietly for the clarification and hung up. Pregnant and unemployed, that happened fast, Tonya thought with despair.
Determined to land on her feet, Tonya replied to all the Maternity modeling agencies in the area. All fifteen agencies in Southern California turned her down. It had been two weeks since she was fired, and Tonya needed income to keep her expensive rent up. From her days before modeling she had been a makeup artist in a few high end stores, and had always been able to manage even the frizziest head of hair into a beautiful style. Tonya sought out cosmetology jobs nearby in hair salons and makeup stores. Again, she was turned away from one interview after another. In the very last salon with a twenty mile radius from her penthouse, the manager asked her, “Why do you want this job?” Tonya paused for a moment, and took a deep breath. She told her the whole story, from finding out she was pregnant and planning to get an abortion, keeping the baby, getting fired from her modeling agency, to searching for jobs the past three weeks with no luck. Tears welled up in Tonya’s eyes, but she choked them down. “You’re obviously a woman of character and strength,” said the manager, “it’s really brave thing to keep an unplanned pregnancy no matter what, and I commend you for that.” She paused for a moment and looked at Tonya seriously, and said two words Tonya so desperately wanted to hear, “You’re hired.” Tonya grinned as the tears came back to her eyes and told her, “You won’t regret this, I promise.” As soon as she was in her car, Tonya called her mother and told what happened. They were both ecstatic.
The following Monday Tonya started her new job. By this time, she was almost four months pregnant, and her stomach was protruding more by the day. She already loved her future son or daughter so much. Next week she would go in for an ultrasound and find out the sex of the baby, and she could hardly contain her excitement. Jenni was also excited to plan the “most spectacular,” baby shower, as she herself put it.
Next Saturday Tonya sprung out of bed at 7:00 in the morning to eat a healthy breakfast before her doctor’s appointment. She put on her favorite pair of fashionably faded maternity jeans and a loose fitting blouse, and was ready to go. Jenni was meeting her at the Doctor’s office so that they could both see the ultrasound at the same time. The two young women walked into the room together and Tonya thought about how differently she felt toward the baby in her womb the first time she had an ultrasound four months ago. The cold clear gel was smeared on Tonya’s stomach by the polite nurse and the ultrasound was underway. The doctor looked at the screen while the nurse worked to locate the baby. The doctor pointed out the baby’s tiny foot, the same foot that had changed Tonya’s mind four months ago. He showed her how they could tell that the baby was a girl. Jenni and Tonya both let out an excited squeal when they heard the baby’s gender. “I’m going to be an aunt,” exclaimed Jenni with a giggle. The doctor furrowed his brow as he continued to look at the screen. Tonya knew something wasn’t right, and concern flashed across her face when she saw the doctor’s demeanor. “It appears that your baby has an enlarged head and some disproportionate growth, common signs of early autism in the womb, though it is not certain that she has ASD.” Jenni’s smile fell, Tonya looked shocked. ”I’m sorry to tell you so abruptly, ma’am, I only thought you should know in case you decide to change your mind about the baby,” said the doctor quietly. Tonya was so stunned she didn’t understand what the doctor was saying. It must have shown on her face because the doctor explained again, “If you are not capable of supporting a child with special needs, the baby can still be aborted, Mrs. Davis. It might be better this way.” Tonya’s face turned red as she realized what the doctor was encouraging her to do. “No, no I’m keeping this baby for certain. I love my little girl, and I’ve given up my career and my party girl lifestyle for her and nothing is going to take her away from me,” Tonya said with steely fierceness in her eyes. “Are you sure that you can support a baby with special needs? We don’t know how sever her case will be and you’re young, Mrs. Davis,” replied the doctor. “I will raise her well, and I will make sure she has every opportunity in life to succeed and to be healthy, and I will be the best single mom ever, because I love my daughter,” she said, this time with tears in her eyes.
Jenni and Tonya got back to the penthouse a half hour later. Neither of them had said a word since Tonya’s passionate declaration in the doctor’s office. Now Tonya broke the silence, “The modeling agency said I should have thought about my job before keeping an unplanned child. The doctor says I should abort her because she may have special needs,” she stated, “But just wait, I’ll prove them wrong.” Jenni looked at her for a long moment before shouting “That’s right you will! You’re going to be super mom if ever I saw one.” The girls ate dinner and talked about what names might fit Tonya’s little girl. The girls threw out name after name: Tiffany, Rebecca, Leah, and more.
Tonya Davis looked out of her wide bedroom window at the ocean-side view that her luxurious penthouse gave her. She had woken up late this sunny Saturday morning, and her long golden hair spilled over her lightly tanned shoulders in messy waves down to her waist. She was wrapped in her favorite pink, satin robe and had put on her faux fur slippers to match. "I can't believe I've gotten myself pregnant. What a rookie mistake," Tonya thought as she scanned the pacific horizon with her light blue eyes. Despite the fact that Tonya had taken part in many promiscuous activities as a single 25 year old woman, she had never gotten herself pregnant.
Ten minutes later she was on the phone, a small notepad in her hand and a pen in the other. "What kind of insurance would I need to have to get the full abortion cost covered," Tonya asked hesitantly. The consultant from Planned Parenthood gave Tonya a few more details and told her to book an appointment with one of the abortion doctors as soon as possible, “sooner is always better than later,” the assistant said.
By 2:00 that afternoon Tonya was in the office, conversing passionately with Dr. Welch. "The whole thing was such a mistake! He said he loved me," exclaimed Tonya. "I can't afford to raise a baby, I only live in a one bedroom trailer park," she said with a tear gathering in her eye. All the while Dr. Welch listened intently with sympathetic nods to Tonya's false story. "I am begging you, Dr. Welch, help me," Tonya pleaded. Little did Dr. Welch know, Tonya was a rich young model, who needed an abortion to save her thin physique. Back at her flat, Tonya called her best friend, Jenni. "Sounds like you really laid it on thick! All those years in school plays must have paid off, Mrs. Actress," said Jenni over the phone. The women laughed uproariously at the thought of tricking a doctor so easily. "The Doctor even told me, 'Please let me know if there is anything at all I can do to help you,'" laughed Tonya with a snort.
The following Wednesday Tonya was due for her abortion. After waiting the room impatiently, and meeting again with the doctors, Tonya was set to have her abortion.
Before she aborted the baby, the doctors did an ultrasound to see the position of the baby within the womb. They told Tonya that she did not have to look at the Ultrasound if she did not want to. She replied that she, "Didn't care what they showed her, it was happening either way."
Ten minutes later Tonya was staring at a screen with a black and white, grainy image of her womb. There, in the corner of the picture, she saw the tiniest foot, distorted by the machine but still easy to see. As the doctors prepared their tools and put on their surgical gloves, Tonya stared dumbfounded at the screen. "Stop! Stop everything," Tonya shouted. She was suddenly rethinking the abortion. Instead, she was imaging her with a baby in her arms, swaying back and forth to rock the baby to sleep. She imagined a baby girl that she could dress up in the frilliest of dresses, or a little boy she could take to the park and to the zoo. She had seen that tiny foot, and she could longer ignore that in her womb, a real, live baby was growing. "I don't want to go through with this," Tonya stated. She cancelled the abortion, and sped back to her penthouse in her corvette. Tonya didn't know whether to cry because of the sudden responsibility put on her life, or to laugh because she was so excited to watch this baby grow.
Later that evening Tonya hear a knock at the door and swung it open to see Jenni, a champagne bottle in her hand and a huge grin on her face. "So...How'd it go," Jenni asked excitedly. Tonya cleared her throat and quietly said "I didn't do it." At first, Jenni didn't believe she was serious and laughed "Oh, right, Mrs. Actress! Sure you didn't." Tonya only stared at her friend, wishing that she could explain why she suddenly wanted a baby in her life. It was all because of a foot, thought Tonya. Jenni saw Tonya was serious and the smile disappeared from her face.
Late into the night Tonya and Jenni discussed what had happened at her doctor's appointment, and how ready she had been to have an abortion before she saw that little foot on the ultrasound screen. Jenni couldn’t believe her ears. Suddenly her best friend, Tonya, who had never had much a conscience growing up all through high school into their twenties, had virtually thrown away her wonderful new modeling career – on a baby. After Tonya explained why she couldn’t fathom aborting it, or even putting it up for adoption, she was surer than ever that she had made the right decision. “I need you to support me in this, Jen,” said Tonya, “you’ve been my best friend through everything.”
The next morning, Tonya called her mother to tell her the big news. After her long talk with Jenni about her and her child’s future, and seeing Jenni be overwhelmingly supportive, Tonya felt ready to take on anything. Her mother picked up the phone quickly, with a chipper “Hey, T,” just as she always did. “Mom, I’m just going to get straight to the point, I’ve got some big news,” Tonya started. As she explained the unplanned pregnancy, Tonya’s mother, Carrie Davis, listened quietly on the other end of the line. “Dear, you know I’ll support you in either decision you make, but are you sure that you’re prepared to raise a child as a single mother,” Carrie Davis asked quietly. Tonya knew that as a single mother herself, her mother’s main concern would be her ability to raise the child well. “I am, mom, I really am ready for this. Some responsibility will be good for me, and I know that if there is one example of how to do a standup job as a single parent, it’s you mom,” Tonya said with determination in her voice.
Within a few weeks Tonya’s stomach was already protruding in a small, round, “baby bump.” She would have to notify her modeling agency that she’d need to be switched to a maternity job soon. Jenni was so excited that she was already planning two different baby showers, one if it a girl and another if it was a boy. From the frustration Tonya had felt when she first found out she was pregnant, changing to the stressful confusion immediately following her decision to keep the baby, had transformed into nothing but joy and love of the baby in her womb. She found herself admiring mothers that she saw handling every situation with grace and perfect control. Tonya also found herself researching everything about pregnancy and motherhood. “I’m sorry ma’am, but your request to transfer to the maternity branch has been denied,” said the receptionist of Look Like Me Modeling Agency, Tonya’s employer. “There must be a mistake. I’m one of the star models at this agency. Please let me speak to the manager, Brad,” Tonya replied, confused. Once the phone call was transferred to Bradley Gerring, the manager over all the modeling branches at the agency, Tonya explained what the receptionist had told her. “I’m sorry Tonya, you’ve been such a great model, and that makes this harder, but you’ve been terminated. We have no room in the maternity branch and we can’t have you in swimwear anymore. I hate to leave you unemployed with a kid on the way, but that’s just the business. You should have thought of that before you decided to get pregnant and keep it,” Brad stated flatly, not at all like his usual perky personality. Tonya thanked him quietly for the clarification and hung up. Pregnant and unemployed, that happened fast, Tonya thought with despair.
Determined to land on her feet, Tonya replied to all the Maternity modeling agencies in the area. All fifteen agencies in Southern California turned her down. It had been two weeks since she was fired, and Tonya needed income to keep her expensive rent up. From her days before modeling she had been a makeup artist in a few high end stores, and had always been able to manage even the frizziest head of hair into a beautiful style. Tonya sought out cosmetology jobs nearby in hair salons and makeup stores. Again, she was turned away from one interview after another. In the very last salon with a twenty mile radius from her penthouse, the manager asked her, “Why do you want this job?” Tonya paused for a moment, and took a deep breath. She told her the whole story, from finding out she was pregnant and planning to get an abortion, keeping the baby, getting fired from her modeling agency, to searching for jobs the past three weeks with no luck. Tears welled up in Tonya’s eyes, but she choked them down. “You’re obviously a woman of character and strength,” said the manager, “it’s really brave thing to keep an unplanned pregnancy no matter what, and I commend you for that.” She paused for a moment and looked at Tonya seriously, and said two words Tonya so desperately wanted to hear, “You’re hired.” Tonya grinned as the tears came back to her eyes and told her, “You won’t regret this, I promise.” As soon as she was in her car, Tonya called her mother and told what happened. They were both ecstatic.
The following Monday Tonya started her new job. By this time, she was almost four months pregnant, and her stomach was protruding more by the day. She already loved her future son or daughter so much. Next week she would go in for an ultrasound and find out the sex of the baby, and she could hardly contain her excitement. Jenni was also excited to plan the “most spectacular,” baby shower, as she herself put it.
Next Saturday Tonya sprung out of bed at 7:00 in the morning to eat a healthy breakfast before her doctor’s appointment. She put on her favorite pair of fashionably faded maternity jeans and a loose fitting blouse, and was ready to go. Jenni was meeting her at the Doctor’s office so that they could both see the ultrasound at the same time. The two young women walked into the room together and Tonya thought about how differently she felt toward the baby in her womb the first time she had an ultrasound four months ago. The cold clear gel was smeared on Tonya’s stomach by the polite nurse and the ultrasound was underway. The doctor looked at the screen while the nurse worked to locate the baby. The doctor pointed out the baby’s tiny foot, the same foot that had changed Tonya’s mind four months ago. He showed her how they could tell that the baby was a girl. Jenni and Tonya both let out an excited squeal when they heard the baby’s gender. “I’m going to be an aunt,” exclaimed Jenni with a giggle. The doctor furrowed his brow as he continued to look at the screen. Tonya knew something wasn’t right, and concern flashed across her face when she saw the doctor’s demeanor. “It appears that your baby has an enlarged head and some disproportionate growth, common signs of early autism in the womb, though it is not certain that she has ASD.” Jenni’s smile fell, Tonya looked shocked. ”I’m sorry to tell you so abruptly, ma’am, I only thought you should know in case you decide to change your mind about the baby,” said the doctor quietly. Tonya was so stunned she didn’t understand what the doctor was saying. It must have shown on her face because the doctor explained again, “If you are not capable of supporting a child with special needs, the baby can still be aborted, Mrs. Davis. It might be better this way.” Tonya’s face turned red as she realized what the doctor was encouraging her to do. “No, no I’m keeping this baby for certain. I love my little girl, and I’ve given up my career and my party girl lifestyle for her and nothing is going to take her away from me,” Tonya said with steely fierceness in her eyes. “Are you sure that you can support a baby with special needs? We don’t know how sever her case will be and you’re young, Mrs. Davis,” replied the doctor. “I will raise her well, and I will make sure she has every opportunity in life to succeed and to be healthy, and I will be the best single mom ever, because I love my daughter,” she said, this time with tears in her eyes.
Jenni and Tonya got back to the penthouse a half hour later. Neither of them had said a word since Tonya’s passionate declaration in the doctor’s office. Now Tonya broke the silence, “The modeling agency said I should have thought about my job before keeping an unplanned child. The doctor says I should abort her because she may have special needs,” she stated, “But just wait, I’ll prove them wrong.” Jenni looked at her for a long moment before shouting “That’s right you will! You’re going to be super mom if ever I saw one.” The girls ate dinner and talked about what names might fit Tonya’s little girl. The girls threw out name after name: Tiffany, Rebecca, Leah, and more.
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Finding My Identity
Hey folks!
I'm really excited to share with you my sister-in-law's devotional for MOPS. Her transparency and honesty about the challenges that women face when they come into mommyhood is both heartfelt and encouraging. As a full time teacher, she can especially identify with those mommas who are struggling to find meaning in changing diapers after being in the corporate or business world. My hope is that this devotional will provide you with some fresh perspective and a bit of encouragement. ~Niki
As I debated about what topic to do
as a devotional, I kept coming back to one theme that I’ve really struggled
with these past “almost two” years after having my son…my identity.
So, I am wonderfully and
purposefully made by God. I am his
daughter and a co-heir with Christ, and through Christ, I have the Holy Spirit,
who resides in me. This is my identity.
Whatever season of life I’m in, whatever struggles I encounter, I am His
and He will not leave me. With that
being said, my purpose should not be to conform to the worldly point of view of
establishing my identity though things that only glorify man, like a job or a
title. With my identity rooted in
Christ, my purpose should be to live in a way that honors God and gives Him the
glory. Ro 12:1-2 says “Therefore, I urge
you brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a
living sacrifice holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper
worship. Do not conform to the pattern
of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to
One final note, when I do get stuck in
the comparison rut, I remind myself thinking of Galatians 1:10 “Am I now trying to win
the approval of human beings or of God? Or
am I trying to please people? If I were
still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Our ultimate goal should always be to strive
to please God. He should be the only one
whose standard we look to, not men. This
is a real struggle for me and I think that’s one reason I lost focus of my
identity, because I was looking to others for approval of what my life looked
like.
Anah lives in Sioux Falls, S.D. with her husband, Neil, and their little guy, William. When she's not potty-training William or hanging out with the Faith Baptist MOPS group, she tries to regularly exercise. Sometimes she even squeezes in a walk or some precious reading time.
I'm really excited to share with you my sister-in-law's devotional for MOPS. Her transparency and honesty about the challenges that women face when they come into mommyhood is both heartfelt and encouraging. As a full time teacher, she can especially identify with those mommas who are struggling to find meaning in changing diapers after being in the corporate or business world. My hope is that this devotional will provide you with some fresh perspective and a bit of encouragement. ~Niki
As I debated about what topic to do
as a devotional, I kept coming back to one theme that I’ve really struggled
with these past “almost two” years after having my son…my identity.
Before having my son and staying
home to raise him, I taught PE for 10 years, coached multiple sports and kept
busy with various other activities.
After the birth of my son, needless to say, I went from going 100 mph to
nursing, pumping, changing diapers, nursing, pumping, changing diapers, more nursing,
more pumping, more changing diapers…and somewhere in there, maybe getting a
little sleep. Taking care of this little
life was a major shock to my whole system and way of living, and it was a
struggle for me…BIG TIME!
This
mommy thing was not as easy as I imagined and all those years of babysitting
did squat to help me out in the realm of real life mommy hood. All of the sudden, I didn’t feel like myself
anymore. Who am I? I felt like my identity was lost and I
couldn’t quite grasp onto the new identity of mommy because I felt like a fake
since this new role was so difficult for me.
It took me a while to realize that
my real problem was not that I lost my identity but that I lost sight of the
fact that my true identity is found only in Christ, not in my job, or my title,
or even in the things I excel at. I had
to first remind myself that I am wonderfully and purposely made by God—Psalm
139:13-16 says “For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my
mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your
works are wonderful, I know that full and well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the
earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of
them came to be.”
Not
only was I created by God, but by Christ’s sacrifice on the cross, I was made a
new creation.
We are now daughters of the almighty
God, made to be co-heirs with Christ and invited to sit in the heavenly realms
—Romans 8:17 says “Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and
co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may
also share in his glory.”
Though we may share in his
sufferings, we cannot underestimate the power of the cross and our resurrected
Christ, who gives us the hope and the power to overcome and persevere through
our daily struggles. Christ dying and
raising again invited us into a way more intimate relationship with God, who
through Christ’s death, was able to give us the Holy Spirit to reside in us if
we choose to place our faith in Him.
Romans 5:3-5 “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings,
because suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and
character, hope, And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out
his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”
So, I am wonderfully and
purposefully made by God. I am his
daughter and a co-heir with Christ, and through Christ, I have the Holy Spirit,
who resides in me. This is my identity.
Whatever season of life I’m in, whatever struggles I encounter, I am His
and He will not leave me. With that
being said, my purpose should not be to conform to the worldly point of view of
establishing my identity though things that only glorify man, like a job or a
title. With my identity rooted in
Christ, my purpose should be to live in a way that honors God and gives Him the
glory. Ro 12:1-2 says “Therefore, I urge
you brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a
living sacrifice holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper
worship. Do not conform to the pattern
of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to
test
and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will. The more I rest in my true identity, the more
I can fully enjoy the season of life God has me in. I’m not perfect and yes, it’s still hard not
to compare myself to other “super moms” when I am struggling with this phase of
my life, but again, the more I rest in Him, the more I am able to enjoy this
season and I am honored. God blessed me
with the opportunity to be mommy to this beautiful little boy.
One
of the reason’s I love Mops is because we need other strong woman around us to help
encourage us to stay grounded in God’s truth.
Anah lives in Sioux Falls, S.D. with her husband, Neil, and their little guy, William. When she's not potty-training William or hanging out with the Faith Baptist MOPS group, she tries to regularly exercise. Sometimes she even squeezes in a walk or some precious reading time.
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